Harry Potter and the Case of the Belligerent Butt-Toucher
by Patbert
Summary: Harry Potter goes to Hogwarts for the first time and finds that the big danger this year is a hooded figure sneaking around touching people's butts. Who could it be? It is Harry's most dangerous adventure yet. Easily the most entertaining thing every written. WARNING: Contains so much shouting and boastful behavior. There is a rap battle. WARNING: The reviews contain some spoilers.
1. Origin Story

_(AN: Everyone go out and tell all of your friends / enemies how much you like this story! That way, it's good times for everyone!)_

CHAPTER 1: Origin Story

"Mom!" whispered Harry. "Where's all the dang Cheetos?"

"In the pantry!" Aunt Petunia whispered back. "And I'm not your mom. I'm your aunt. Your Uncle Vernon and I hate you very much. We see you as a burden." she expositioned.

Harry found the dang Cheetos and flopped onto the couch. He hadn't seen Uncle Vernon there, and landed on top of him.

"Harry, you taint! Get off of me!" whispered Uncle Vernon, shoving Harry and sending him flying across the room.

The Dursley household was a very quiet place. The success of the Harry Potter movies had reached even their little backwoods redneck English towne, and Uncle Vernon didn't want Harry knowing that he was a wizard. He had forbidden everyone in the house from speaking loudly incase Harry overheard something.

Harry stood up, and brushed the shards of the ancient Chinese urn he had flown into. The Dursley household had a lot of these. There was a knocking at the front door. Dudley rolled to the front door and answered it. Dudley was vast.

"What's all this, then?" he ask-whispered, in his best English accent. "You're a giant and that unnerves me."

It was Hagrid, and he was a giant. When he had knocked, he had been regular sized, but Dudley's childlike innocence had granted Hagrid's Christmas wish of being big enough to fight Dumbledore, so now he was big.

"Hello!" he bellowed. "I'm Hagrid, and I need to speak with Harry Potter. I have an owl for him!"

Hagrid held out the owl he was clutching, who was in turn clutching a letter, sealed with wizard wax.

Uncle Vernon jumped up from the couch and quietly stomped up to the front door. He grabbed the owl, and drop kicked it into the street.

"We'll have none of your loudness!" Uncle Vernon whisper-yelled. "And don't tell Harry that he's actually a wizard!"

Harry heard none of this. He was a simple boy, and he was trying to piece together the ancient Chinese urn he had maliciously broken. It was a different urn from the first.

"You're-a-wizard-,-Harry!" Hagrid yell-sneezed inconspicuously.

Harry stood up and whispered "Duh! I know that! I saw the movies! Everyone has seen the movies!"

"Oh." Said Uncle Vernon in a normal speaking voice. "Well, out of our hair then."

Harry broke another urn, got his bagpipes, and walked out the front door and onto the train that was parked out on the front lawn.

"We're going to Hogwarts, y'all!" shouted the train-driver, as he whoop-whooped the train whistle.


	2. The Terrible Truth about Wizards

_AN: Who's ready for some sweet train action? I know I am! If not, get ready for sweet train action before reading this._

* * *

The train started the long journey to Hogwarts. Harry, being a rebel, had decided to stand in the hall and pretend to do skateboarding tricks rather than find somewhere to sit down. He had just done a pretty sweet imaginary kickflip over the gap between two train cars, when a door next to him slid open.

"You look like Harry Potter!" a boy with red hair shrieked gingerly into his ear. "Are you Harry Potter?"

"What the dang, man? Were you raised in a quarry?" Harry asked in a reasonable tone. "Why do you have to scream in my dang ear?"

"I'm sure I don't know what you're talking about." screamed the boy. "I'm Ron Weasley! I don't have a lot of money, but I sure make up for it in gumption!"

Suddenly, there was a puff of smoke nearby. Out of it burst a darker haired boy, who tripped and smashed his face into the floor. He popped up, and through a copious amount of nose blood, he introduced himself.

"I'm Neville Longbottom! I can already tell that we're going to have some great adventures this year!" he yelled, turning blue in the face.

Harry fell back in surprise. "Why's everybody got to be so loud all the time? I'm right here!" he asked.

"What? This is just how wizards talk." Neville shoutsploded. "My father talked this way, before he was tortured to death, and his father talked this way too, before he was also tortured to death."

Now everybody was uncomfortable, but especially Harry, who didn't own earplugs.

Harry broke the brief silence. "I'm sorry about your father and grandfather, and even though I wasn't the one who killed them, I'm still apologetic."

"It wasn't me either." screeched Neville.

A girl jumped down from the ceiling. She howled, "Good! If the rumors are true, there's plenty of danger at Hogwarts without murderous students."

Harry was considering becoming murderous to stop all of their screaming, but instead asked, "What rumors? How can there possibly already be rumors?"

She replied at the top of her lungs. "There's someone sneaking around in the hallways touching people's butts. They haven't been able to catch him or her, and it's super dangerous, believe me. For the students, I mean." This was Hermione by the way.

All four of them looked at the camera, which zoomed in on them, and they shouted, "Oh no!" completely destroying the microphone.


	3. Everything Starts Getting Super Scary

_Author's Note: Guys, I've been watching a lot of scary movies lately, so I think that this chapter came out scarier than I had intended. Luckily, I think this fits the scary tone and the seriousness of the danger that's surrounding Harry and his friends. Maybe read this chapter with the lights on._

With the fresh news about the butt-toucher, Harry's hands moved instinctively to protect his butt parts.

"What are we going to do about this? I don't want my buns getting squeezed by some jerk!" Harry interrogated.

"We?" screeched Hermione. "You have to fix this! YOU'RE Harry Potter! YOU beat up Voldemort as a baby!"

"Yeah! And now he's dead!" Ron foreshadowed as loudly as he could. "And he couldn't possibly be the one who's touching people's butts! Because he's dead!"

"Do you not have zombies in the magical world?" asked Harry. "My world is pretty much crawling with them."

"Certainly not." Shout-pocalypsed Neville. "My yelling muscles are tired. Let's ride out the rest of this train ride in silence."

The discussion was closed, so they played some Wizard Charades, which was like normal Charades except sparkly.

Unbeknownst to them, a cloaked figure was peering into their sitting compartment.

"Soon." he said, fingers tented. "I will touch the butt of the Boy Who Lived!" He skulked away silently.

Outside the train window, the skies were getting dark. Clouds swirled, and trees started to bend in the strong wind. Lightning struck the train and the compartment lurched! The lights went out and everybody started running into things. Neville's frog got stepped on, but it was a magic frog, so actually Ron's rat got stepped on instead. This caused Wormtail to die a thousand deaths, each one more similar than the last, and now Ron's rat was played by Professor Lupin since he was also an old friend of Harry's father.

"Don't worry guys!" screamed Ron. "Fred and George taught me a spell that makes people that will eventually become Hogwarts professors turn back into a human, but only if they're already a werewolf."

"What are you talking about, Ron?" asked Harry.

"You stepped on Neville's frog, so now my rat is a werewolf future-professor. OBVIOUSLY!" hollered Ron.

Ron turned to his rat and shazammed it. It turned yellow. Poor Lupin. Now he was trapped as a rat AND he was yellow. Ron was so bad at magic.

"Just wait until the train ride next year, when you break your wand!" laughed Harry. He was somewhat of a Harry Potter movie buff.

A non-conversational scream of terror filled the air.

"That sounded like Luna Lovegood!" shouted Hermione. "We had better go meet her for the first time and see what's going on!"

Neville kicked open the sliding door (to the side) and they ran out into the hallway. There they saw Evanna Lynch, dressed as Luna Lovegood, looking smoking hot as always. Wait, this is first year. Forget I said that. Behind her, a cloaked figure was scurrying away into the shadows. Luna fell to the floor and began to shake.

"I've… been… BUTT-TOUCHED!" she cried.

"Ron! You introduce yourself to her while we go chase down that butt-toucher!" shouted one of the characters I've mentioned. Probably not Luna.

They run-followed the cloaked figure to the end of the train car and he slammed the door shut in their faces. The  
figure pulled out his wand and waved it at the door, saying "Aloha Morons!"  
which locked it.

Neville side-kicked it and side-kicked it, but it was locked. The trail had gone cold and there was a butt-toucher on the train! They looked like a bunch of chumps.


	4. The Case is Closed

The gang went back to their train cabin and discussed what had happened. Seeing Luna in that condition had scared the scream out of them, so they just talked in normal voices.

"Who could be doing this?" asked Harry. "This wasn't in the movie!"

"I don't know." replied Ron. "I don't recognize anyone yet. This is the biggest mystery since Sherlock Holmes!"

"That's it!" squeaked Hermione. "We need Sherlock Holmes!"

They all agreed that it was a great idea, so Hermione opened her backpack and pulled out a book. It was titled "Holmes Summoning for First Year Students"

They read the instructions and began.

In Neville's cauldron, they mixed 30 bat spines, 3 legs of weasel, and 14 eyes of a 14 eyed porcupine (a magical animal prized for its high number of eyes). Finally, Harry threw in all of his magnifying glasses from his bag that he has now, even though he only packed his bagpipes. I don't know where it came from; a wizard did it. Anyway, it was fine. Harry was super rich. He could get more magnifying glasses later.

They shook the cauldron a bunch and spoke together, "Come on out, Holmes!"

There was a blinding puff of smoke and a deafening smell of lavender (AN: the plant, not the girl. Capitalization is very important in writing. Learn it.) and out popped Sherlock Holmes.

"Ahoy there, y'all!" puffed Sherlock. "What are the haps, my chaps?"

"Sherlock!" hooted Hermione. "We need your help! There's a mysterious figure running around on the train touching people's butts!"

"Say no more, young wizardette! Sherlock Holmes is on the case." He walked to the hallway, but stopped. "What is this amazing rectangle that my eyes behold? Surely some sort of sorcery!"

"That's just a doorway, Sherlock." Harry informed him.

"What's a doorway?" Holmes asked.

"About twenty pounds." said Neville. "We have to hurry! The culprit is somewhere on this train, and if we don't find him or her by the time we get to school, it'll be a lot tougher to catch him or her!"

Sherlock pounced out the door and into the hallway. Luna was still there lying down, but she had hocus pocused herself a hammock and some wizard sweet tea with wizard lemon. Holmes asked her what she remembered about the incident.

"It was definitely a male hand that squeezed me, unless it wasn't." she told him. "When it happened, I suddenly felt a bit tired. Like it was yawn o'clock. Maybe around yawn:15."

"This is some risqué bisque!" said Sherlock. "However, the case is closed! It was definitely someone on this train. I shall now take my leave." And Sherlock disappeared in a puff of smoke and a sweet guitar solo.

Ron walked over and tried the door again. It was unlocked! They crossed into the next car and started to walk down the hall. A shouting voice came over the intercom system.

"Now hear this! Students, we are nearing Hogwarts. Please take this time to put on your mysterious cloaks."

Moments later, students came pouring out of their cabins dressed in the same cloaks that the butt-toucher was wearing.

"Great." said Harry. "Everybody has the same cloak. Now what do we do?"


	5. Sorting Shenanigans

The train stopped and all of the students got off. They gathered around Hagrid, who led them to the boats to cross the lake. Harry didn't like boats, but they were pretty swank, so he got in. They didn't have boats like this in his backwoods redneck town.

They rowed across the lake to the beat of Hagrid's drum. Harry watched the students from all the other years walking across a safe looking bridge to the castle instead of having to row there.

Harry rowed next to a nice boy named Draco Malfoy. Harry was still having some trouble getting adjusted to wizard life, and Draco was nice enough to explain anything that Harry asked. They also had a lot in common. They both loved tea, backup singing, and NASCAR.

"I can tell we're going to be great friends." roared Draco loudly enough to scare the lake swans.

They docked at the lower entrance to the castle. There were house elves everywhere, busily carrying suitcases and trunks up to various dormitories, but Harry didn't see any house Santas. He made a mental note to check the north end of the castle for them later.

Hagrid's yelling shook the walls. "All you first-year hooligans, get yourselves to the Great Hall! It's time to segregate you!"

The Great Hall was totally baller. There were flying candles, lots of food, and the ceiling was missing. The first years all sat near the front to watch Professor Snape as he played a pretty great 10 minute drum solo.

As was tradition, the beginning of the sorting ceremony was started by the Sorting Hat singing a new sorting song. He only did this one thing all year, so he had plenty of time to come up with good lyrics.

...

Hello there folks, and how do you do?

It's time for some sorting hullabaloo.

I am a hat, so do I have a soul?

I'm pointy on top, but my bottom's a hole.

Put me on your head, I can hear what you think,

I'm sorry in advance for all of the stink.

Hopefully none of you losers have lice.

Did you know that you kids can catch that **** twice?

I am a hat, and sometimes I rhyme,

Get your butts up here, it's sorting time!

...

Everyone clapped exuberantly, and wiped tears from their eyes. It was the best song they had ever heard.

Over the next half-hour Harry, Neville, Hermione, and Ron were all sorted into Gryffindor. Luna was sorted into Ravenclaw. Draco walked to the front and sat down on the stool. He waved to Harry and his friends, a big smile on his face. They placed the hat down on his head.

"Slitherin!" yelled the hat. Draco's eyes narrowed and his smile became the embodiment of preteen rage.

"I'll get you, Harry Potter, if it's the last thing I do!" he scowl-shouted.

The whole room stared at Draco, slack-jawed at his ultra-threat.

Harry stood up and shouted, "Oh yeah? Bring that mess!"

Draco counter-stood and counter-shouted, "I challenge you to a duel! Choose your time and weapon!"

Harry replied simply, "Rap battle at dawn. Tomorrow." Then he made several boastful gestures. Seven Ravenclaw girls fainted.

Then suddenly, Voldemort appeared on the stage! Except it wasn't Voldemort, it was Dumbledore, so it was okay.

"Thank you for sitting still long enough for the sorting to occur!" he shrieked. "By the way, nobody go into the forbidden closet of mystery on the 3rd floor. It is locked with the most basic lock I could find, and the stuff inside is just super great. I don't want your little ice cream covered hands getting it all sticky."

"I just _have_ to go see all that super great stuff!" thought Harry immediately, unbeknownst to Oliver Wood. "I sure hope I end up in there during my attempts to stop the butt-touching rampage that's plaguing this school."


	6. Wizard Duel

_(AN: WARNING: This chapter contains a lot of boasting. I know I warned you about it in the story summary, but just remember that.)_

_(AN: The actor who played Uncle Vernon died today, and it is very sad. You did well, Richard Griffiths!)_

The sun rose over Hogwarts's Castle of Witchcraft and Wizardry bright and early in the morning. Neither Draco nor Harry had got much sleep. They had been rhymesmithing all night.

They met in the hall near the door and glared at each other. Wordlessly, they walked out to the Quidditch field where every student in the school was waiting in anticipation. Every student except for Harry and Draco, who were walking there now.

As the sun rose over the horizon, they arrived. Professor Snape's voice rang out over the quidditch/rap battlefield.

"Attention students! It is important that all of you pay attention to this. This is what a wizard duel looks like, and being prepared could save your life someday in case you need to rap battle an evil witch or wizard." Snape turned to the two pre-duelescent boys. "Whoever can do the most pushups will get to go first. Go!"

"You can do it, Draco!" cheered Crabbe. "You are do so much pushups!" he wasn't particularly bright, and had the grammatical skills of a half-giant, half person.

Hagrid turned and scowled at me.

Harry was able to do seven, but Draco only got to 4 and then did 2 lady pushups. Harry won the right to go first.

Harry cleared his throat, grabbed the mic and faced Draco, who was rubbing his tired childlike arms.

...

"Roses are red and violets are blue,

only been here a day, crushed better wizards than you!

I'm stronger than you, I make your pushups look weak,

Crowd, hold your boo's 'till that boy starts to speak!

If you're already scared, go run and cry to your dad,

Come and bring him back here, I'll make both you look sad!

My rhymes are so Sickle, your rhymes smell like butt,

Ounce, quart, and Galleon, suck my Knut!

Yo, I stand when I pee, you look like a squatter,

I'm the boss on this stage, don't mess with Harry Potter!"

...

The crowd simply lost it, and their yells of "OHHHHH" shook the stadium. Harry bowed, and put on some airs. Draco, looking a little flustered, took a few steps forward, and began to shout into his own microphone.

...

"Art!

Bart!

Cart!

Dart!

…umm E-art!

Fart!..."

...

The cries of "BOOOO" and "Burn him! He's a witch!" drowned out Draco's terrible rapping. Harry had made him look stupid, and there was nothing he could do but escape and plot terrible revenge. Draco pulled out his wand, pointed it at himself and shouted, "Smoke-screen farts… icus!"

He then yelled, "Fart!" into the microphone again, and smoke started shooting uncontrollably from his backside. Once there was a large enough cloud of smoke to mask his exit, he set off running back to the Slytherin dungeons to plot in his room.

The audience rushed the stage and hoisted Harry into the air. They cheered and carried him out of the stadium.

An elegant stuttering scream of, "Muh-muh-my caboose!" shot through the air. At the back of the crowd, Professor Quirrell fell to the ground, clutching his rear. The students, terrified, dropped Harry, and ran screaming back to the castle. Professor Quirrell had been… butt-touched!


	7. Potatoes, Dreams, and Spells

Harry's victorious mood had been ruined by the butt-touching tragedy after the battle.

'At least Draco feels bad now.' thought Harry. 'Nothing to do now, but go back to my room and get some sleep before class.'

Harry stopped by the kitchen on his way back to his dorm. He got a wizard-cup full of pumpkin juice for the long climb upstairs to his room. He choked down the disgusting orange pulpy liquid and gathered his thoughts. When he finished it, he threw the cup into one of the castle's many incinerators.

About halfway to his dorm, Harry fell to his knees, raised his hands in the air, and screamed, "Who could be doing this? How do I stop all the butt-touching?"

"Keep it down! Were you raised in a quarry?!" yelled one of the ladies in the painting next to him.

"Aaa! Demons!" screamed Harry, and started frantically punching the painting.

"No no no! We're just paintings! It's a magic thing! Stop it!"

Harry did stop, but not before he noticed that it didn't feel like there was a solid wall behind the painting. He removed the painting from the wall and threw it to the ground. Where it had hung, there was a hallway. A hallway of secrets and mystery!

Harry followed the hallway and came to a small chamber (also of secrets and mystery). In the center was a container shaped like an oil drum that was lit from every direction at once, despite there not being any apparent light sources.

"Ah, it's probably magic." Harry spoke, in his best cowboy accent.

There was a sign on the drum that read, "Potato salad: have all you want"

Harry scooped out some potato salad with his hand, and took a bite. He spit it out due to its loathsome flavo(u)r. He took out his wand, aimed, and Crucio'ed the blob of potato salad that now lay on the floor.

Harry would have to bring his friends there. Maybe they would like the taste better than he had.

Harry left the strange chamber and replaced the painting. It may be foul tasting, but it was _his_ potato salad now, and he didn't want anyone else getting their hands on it! He walked back up to his bed, and flopped down on the mattress with the force of a speeding train. His bed was completely destroyed by this, so he switched his and Neville's bed, and fell asleep under his new sheets. Harry had strange dreams.

He dreamt that he was in potions class, and Professor Snape was yelling at him for messing up his potion. Harry looked down into it, and saw Dumbledore rising out of his cauldron. His eyebrows grew larger and larger until they were wings. Dumbledore had turned into an owl. He and Harry both started to rise, and Harry saw that he too was now an owl. They flew over Hogwarts's gross haunted lake. Suddenly, they both dove beneath the surface. Harry found he could breathe, and they plunged deeper into the icy blue/black depths. At the bottom was a treasure chest. The chest opened, and there was Hermione's face, eyes glowing bright white. She opened her mouth and with a deep echoing voice, said "PANCAKES. BRING ME ALL OF THE PANCAKES!" The water started swirling around her and she started to grow. The current was pulling Harry into Hermione's gaping jaws. He tried to swim away as hard as his owl body would let him, but he couldn't get away.

Harry woke with a start. Something had hit him in his sleep. There were pancakes all over his bed!

SLAP! Harry was hit in the face by some scrambled eggs. He looked up to see all of the boys from his dorm throwing food at him.

"You missed breakfast!" screeched Ron. "We brought you some!"

"That's it!" exclaimed Harry. "I know where to find the Butt-Toucher!"


	8. The Trap is Set

Harry shook himself free from his breakfast prison, and the boys followed him out of the room.

There was a flyer attached to the common room bulletin board that informed them that all of the morning classes had been canceled because there was a baseball game at the Hogsmeade Stadium. The Wizardsburg Centaurs were playing against the Enchantment Island Wizard Cowboys. That was convenient for them because Ron couldn't afford to miss any more classes, and he didn't care to watch either of those teams.

They ran to the third floor corridor on the east side of the school and hid in the shadows. Within moments, Hermione walked by, looking at the statues that were also in the third floor corridor on the east side of the school. They were some pretty fancy statues.

She stopped to examine one statue of a crazy looking man holding a magic garbage can. Down the hall, someone in a dark cloak crept silently around the corner.

"Oh no! It's the butt-toucher!" Harry whispered. "And he's going to get Hermione with his dirty butt-touching hands!"

Harry raised his wand, aimed it at Hermione's backside, and whispered "Stankomittus Butticonomatrix!"

It was the stank-butt jinx. The cloaked figure lunged forward and butt-touched Hermione, only realizing his mistake after it was too late! The stank-butt jinx was mad contagious, and the butt-toucher's hands now smelled terrible!

"We've got him now!" said Harry, stepping out of the shadows as Hermione fell to the floor. The cloaked figure ran off, huffing and probably puffing. They couldn't hear him puff because he was so fast.

"We'll know who he is this afternoon because his hands will stink up to high heaven! They hustled over to Hermione to see if she was okay. She smelled pretty bad, and she was all shaken up from the butt-touchery that had been done up on her.

"That was your plan?" she yelled angrily, striking Harry about the head and chest. "You could have stunned him, found out who he is, and captured him, all without me getting butt-touched! And now I smell bad! I'm going to avenge myself against you so hard, Harry Potter!"

"It was a risk that I knew I had to take. Now he will stink too. It'll be embarrassing for him." replied Harry.

Hermione scowled at them, and stormed off to see if she could find Professor Flitwick, the charms teacher. If anyone could un-stink-spell her caboose, it was him.

Harry and the boys played some Wizard Dice in the hallway for couple of hours. It was like regular dice, except it was super cursed.

They went downstairs to go get some food. They saw a large group of students loafing in the front entrance, and a strange smell filled their noses. Ron shoved a couple of people out of his way to run into the middle of the crowd.

"Harry! This is bad!" shouted Ron, over the noisy loafers. "Everyone is wearing perfumed gloves!"

"It was perfumed glove day at the ball park." said George Weasley.

"Wizard farts!" yelled Harry in frustration. His plan was ruined. The butt-toucher had slipped through their fingers.

"Harry!" shouted Hermione, sounding terrified. "I just found Professor Flitwick! He's been… butt-touched!"

"How could anyone stoop so low?" cried Ron.


	9. Safety Measures

"Students! Students!" bellowed Dumbledore. "Due to recent events involving butt-touching, we are implementing additional safety measures."

The students had all been gathered in the Great Hall for the announcement. The Great Hall had been decorated for the occasion with banners of students wearing helmets and knee pads.

"The first of these measures will include using these new butt guards that you can wear under your cloaks." he continued, holding up a contraption that consisted of a prosthetic butt attached to a foot long pole attached to a belt.

"It is worn thusly." Dumbledore placed the device under his robes and fastened it in place. He now resembled a Victorian woman wearing one of those dresses that sticks their butts way out behind them, almost like a centaur. "However, this is our only prototype, and I'll be using it for myself. The real ones won't arrive here until next week. Hopefully this doesn't throw the butt-toucher into some sort of butt-touching frenzy as he realizes that his butt-touching time is coming to an end."

There was a murmur of discontent throughout the hall. If they had to wear those butt guards, they'd look like chump idiots! To make matters worse, it was almost school dance season!

"The second safety measure will be the introduction of dementors to the Hogwarts grounds. This is in case the Butt-Toucher is coming from outside the castle and sneaking into the school. They will not be indoors, probably, but they will be always close by. And before you ask, no, I do not think this is an overreaction. Students, you are dismissed."

The students filed out of the Great Hall, and Harry and his pals assembled near the front staircase to talk. Ron was about to say something almost intelligent, when Draco and his goons approached them.

"Look who it is; a bunch of Crusaders crusading against the Butt-Toucher! You lot are pitiful!" mocked Draco.

"At least we're trying to fix the problem!" hissed Neville.

"Haha! Longbottom fancies himself a parsel mouth! Snake-talking nut!" laughed Goyle.

"What do you even intend to do with the brigand once you've apprehended him? Incarcerate him in some sort of pokey? Ha!" Crabbe spat, scathingly.

Draco looked at Crabbe, impressed, then looked down his nose at Harry, "See you next class, Potter."

Harry blacked out for a while, and walked to his next class on autopilot. It was outside on the lawn, and there were brooms all over the ground. Either they were going to clean up after Harry's adventures bringing the garbage cans to life, or all the Gryffindors and Slytherins were going to learn to fly!

"I'm not even old enough to drive, but they're going to teach me to fly? This is crazy." thought Harry.

"UP!" yelled everyone, after being instructed to do so. Harry and Draco, of course, were the best at it. Crabbe and Goyle both got hit in their respective junk with their brooms.

"I've got to go take a smoke break." announced Mrs. Broomteacher, the broom teacher. "Nobody fly or anything for the next 5 minutes."

They stood there quietly for about 3 minutes, when Harry noticed something.

"Neville, don't you have that memory ball on you? The rememberall or however it's spelled?"

"Oh yeah! I forgot about it!" replied Neville. He started tossing it around (AN: by which I just mean throwing it, you saucy Brits), and he dropped it and it rolled over to Draco.

"Now I have this… thing!" Draco yelled over to them.

"I'll get it back for you, Neville!" said Harry.

"Get what back?" asked Neville.

Harry sighed and yelled to Draco, "Give it back! Don't be a jerk about this!"

Draco started flying around and yelled, "Come get it, nerd!"

Harry followed him into the air, and they flew around for a while. Draco threw it from really high up, like a jerk, and Harry caught it spectacularly, but not before impressing and enraging Professor McGonagall, who was hiding in the bushes. She led Harry away to be introduced to Oliver Wood.

Mrs. Broomteacher came back from her smoke break to find Draco still flying around on his broom and flexing at all the girls. Mrs. Broomteacher called down the power of the gods and shot a bolt of lightning to destroy Draco's broom, then created a smoke cushion to catch him on the ground. Through the smoke, she started yelling at him about following directions and how dangerous it was to fly unsupervised, when Draco let out a scream.

When the smoke cushion spell cleared, Draco lay on the ground clutching his behind. He was the Butt-Toucher's latest victim! And nobody saw who it was because of the smoke! You probably figured that part out though. You've got this.


	10. Pregame Festivities

It was the day of the biggest Quidditch game of the year: Gryffindor vs Slytherin. Harry and his band of thugs were on their way to the stadium. There was an extensive pregame show, so they could all get there at the same time, and Harry could still get ready for the game without feeling rushed.

They were headed down the long flight of stairs from Gryffindor tower, when Ron started complaining about how hungry he was.

"I'm so hungry, I could eat a magic hippopotamus!" bellyached Ron.

"Yeah, yeah, fine, I got this." said Harry. He led them down a hallway, and to a particular painting. "Look at this painting. See how the red undertones compliment the theme of the downtrodden ambitions of the HORRIBLE DEMONS INSIDE THE PAINTING?!" and he ripped the painting from the wall and threw it to the ground.

Behind the painting was a hallway. Down the hallway was the chamber with the oil drum full of potato salad.

Ron slowly read the sign. "Have... all... you... want."

"Have all I want?" Ron yelled happily, and dove head first into the potato salad. The surface level of the potato salad began to drop as Ron gorged himself.

"Hey! Come on! That's enough. Let's capsize this bounce-house before we're late!" hollered Neville. "I don't want to miss all the ball-handling at the game!"

The others agreed that it was time to go, so Ron emerged from the drum and shook himself clean. He removed a handful of potato salad from deep in the front of his pants and offered it to Neville.

"I got you some potato salad, but I think this handful is tainted." Ron chuckled. He grabbed a to-go box, filled it up, and followed the others to the stadium.

Harry went to the locker room to get ready, and the rest of group went to watch the pregame show.

"Ohhhh, I think I ate too much potato salad!" Ron said for all of the world to hear. "I might be sick soon!"

Hermione and Neville scooted away from him a bit, then turned their attention to the rickety stage set up in the middle of the field. The pregame show was Luna Lovegood dancing around with sparklers. She was having a lot of fun, but everyone in the stands looked confused.

"Ugggh!" power-groaned Ron. "I think there's potato salad in my lungs!" he shoveled another handful into his mouth.

"Stop eating it then!" hissed Hermione.

"But it's soooo good!" creaked Ron, forcing yet more potato salad into his mouth. No, wait. The bench beneath him creaked, not Ron.

"Ron, I cannot believe how dumb you are!" said Hermione. "You're gonna get the wizard barfs! And that's only if you stop eating right now!"

Ron, his hands shaky, finished off not only the rest of the potato salad, but the box as well. He began to make heaving sounds. "Huurngghgnghgnuhhguh!"

Neville and Hermione scooted further yet from Ron, and cast shield spells to separate themselves from the impending hurlsplosion.

With a really loud, but not quite deafening crack, Ron fell through the bleachers. A thump followed as he hit the ground. Hermione and Neville looked down into the hole Ron had made. There, they saw him, laying in a crater, fast asleep.

Suddenly, there was a scream from the stands to their right!

"You're doing great, Luna!" screamed the voice.

"Phew." annunciated Hermione. "Usually, a scream at the end of a chapter means someone got butt-touched. I guess it didn't happen this time."


	11. Quidditch Quatastrophe

(Warning: contains mild boasting.)

"YEEEEEEHAAAWWWWW!" hollered Madame Hooch over the totally bangin' sound system. "Let's play some crazyball!"

The players from both teams flew out onto the field, did some laps around the field, and did some boastful gestures.

When Harry settled into a hover near the Ravenclaw stands, Cho Chang, the Japanese foreign exchange student cheered extra loudly for Harry. In her native language, she yelled, "Usted es el contralmirante de escobas! Celebre mi ridiculez!"

Harry smiled at her and shouted, "Hi! I can't hear you!"

Cho let her body language do the talking, and silently Japantomimed "You can do it, Harry! Go Gryffindor!"

Harry said, "Cool!" and waved to her.

Everyone landed in their starting positions. Oliver Wood and Bonesaw Slytherinson, the two team captains, walked toward Madame Hooch, in the center of the field. After explaining the rules, and how she would tolerate no further boasting, she announced the start of the ancient tradition that would decide who would get the ball first.

Oliver did 17 pushups, but Bonesaw did 19, so Slytherin would get the ball first.

Madame Hooch tossed the quaffle to Bonesaw, and blew her whistle.

Whoosh! All of the players took off and started soaring through the air. Slytherin brought their 'A-game' from the start. Several passes later, Slytherinson had the ball again and shot it toward the goal. Oliver Wood had cold fingers from not warming up, and his grip on his broom slipped, so the ball ricocheted off of him and into one of the other goals he wasn't watching.

"Why are there three goals?" wondered Oliver to himself.

"10 points to Slytherin!" shouted Lee Jordan, the announcer. He had originally been the announcer's understudy, but when the first string announcer had succumbed to Wizard Madness, Lee had gotten the job.

Bonesaw Slytherinson flew toward the stands and did a little dance on his broom, shaking his backside at the Gryffindor stands.

Madame Hooch blew her whistle. "No! I said no more boasting! Two minutes in the penalty box!"

Bonesaw flew over to the penalty box and quickly put on the penalty helmet, before the penalty pixies hit him with their penalty bats.

"Ooh, tough break for Slytherin, but those are the rules!" Lee Jordan announced. "Again, that's 10 points for Slytherin, but the Weasley twins have hit the bludgers more times than the Slytherin beaters, so Gryffindor is awarded 5 consolation points."

Harry had been messing around on his broom this whole time trying to figure out what was going on. He hadn't been to practice yet since he had only been recruited yesterday. The Gryffindor team had been desperate for a seeker, ever since their last seeker had succumbed to Wizard Madness.

"Harry!" It was George Weasley. "I probably should have told you this earlier, but go try to grab the tiny gold ball. It's called the snitch, and it's pretty much the only thing that matters in this silly game! It's worth all of the points!"

"I'll do my best!" said Harry.

"What? You drew my vest?" asked George.

"I said I'll do my best!" shouted Harry. "You've still got both your ears! Act like it!"

So Harry set off to catch the shiny gold thing. It didn't take him long. It was literally the only reflective thing on the field, and since it was a sunny day, it practically blinded him. He dove for it, chasing it as fast as he thought necessary.

Suddenly a bludger whooshed by his head. "Oh dangs! That was close!" thought Harry. He turned his head to follow it with his eyes. To his horror, it turned around in mid-air, and followed him. He flew away from it, looking back frequently to see where it was.

To his double-horror, the bludger grew a hand. The hand opened and closed in a squeezing motion. It was gaining on him.

"Oh double dangs!" he thought.

Harry was flying as fast as he could, but the bludger's hand was getting closer and closer. Anyone could plainly see that Cho Chang was Japanicking. The bludger reached out toward Harry's butt. It was only inches away, when Harry did a quick loop. The crowd gasped, especially Hermione, who was watching Harry through magic binoculars.

"Neville!" Hermione squeaked. "The bludger is going to butt-touch Harry! It must be enchanted! We've got to find out who's behind this!"

It was binoculars day at the Quidditch field, so they both started scanning the stands with their free binoculars.

"Look!" shouted Neville. "Professor Snape is scowling and chanting at Harry! It's got to be him!"

Hermione corrected him, "No, in the movie it was Professor Quirrell! Snape is actually trying to help Harry! Let's go set him on fire!"

"Quirrell or Snape?"

"Quirrell of course."

They made their way across the stadium to burn Professor Quirrell alive. There were numerous reactionary gasps from the crowd but Hermione and Neville couldn't look now, they had to set a professor on fire.

They snuck up from behind and looked at him.

"Hermione, he's just minding his own business." whisper-shouted Neville.

"It's got to be him!" Hermione responded, and set him on fire.

"AAAAAAAAAAAAAAA!" screamed Quirrell, running around and jumping. "Why am I on fire?! First, I get butt-touched, and now this?"

Snape turned to him and extinguished him, but in that moment, since Snape was no longer slowing down the bludger with his chanting, the bludger picked up speed and lunged for Harry.

The whole crowd gasped, and some people fainted and hit their heads on things, as Harry made a sickening dive on his broom. He leveled out at the last minute, stood on his broom, turned around, and grabbed the hand. Holding on tightly to the bludger's grip, he did an amazing front flip off of his broom, and slammed the bludger full-speed into the ground. It shattered into around one million pieces (within three standard deviations).

Under the shards of the bludger and crushed into the ground, was the golden snitch. Harry grabbed it and held it into the air.

"Gryffindor wins! 155 to 10!" shouted Lee Jordan over the speakers. "And Harry's not been butt-touched!"

Harry put the snitch into his mouth to see how it tasted.

A cloaked figure, unseen by anyone important, scampered off from a few rows behind Snape and Quirrell, probably scowling.


	12. Understanding the Enemy

Later that day, Harry found himself in Professor Dumbledore's office.

"Harry, I've called you here to explain some things. I thought that everything would be just fine if I let it play out, but I think it's important now, after the Quidditch scare yesterday, that you understand the gravity of the situation. You are presently, and may have been from the start, the Butt-Toucher's number one target."

Harry drew back in surprise. "Why my butt? I don't even work out!"

The headmaster answered, "Harry, let me begin by taking you back, figuratively, to when you were just a baby. Lord Voldemort was alive and well, and he was all kinds of bad. He was going to take over the world, and there was only one thing in his way."

"My butt?" asked Harry.

"No. All of you, Harry." replied Dumbledore. "There was a prophecy that Voldemort would be defeated by a child, so the first thing he did was go out and attack a child. But not just any child, Harry. You. Voldemort whacked your dad while your mother ran upstairs with you. He told her to stand aside, as he only wanted to kill you. She wouldn't stand aside, so he killed her first."

"Why are you telling me this? This sounds awful!" asked/said Harry.

"Because after he killed her, he tried to kill you and he failed!" Dumbledore continued. "The spell bounced off of you, directly back at him! Your mother's love has made you spell-proof!"

"Say what?!" asked Harry, shocked. "Does this mean I'm invincible?"

"No, of course not. You're immune to spells, but you can still be hurt. See?" Dumbledore slapped him.

"Ow! Jerk! Still, I've got to go test this spell-proof thing!" Harry stood up and tried to leave.

"Harry, sit down! The reason I'm telling you this is not so you can charge off and get yourself into trouble. It's so that you know why you're the Butt-Toucher's greatest target!"

"I'm not sure I understand, sir." said Harry. "Are you saying that his hands would just bounce off?"

"I'm saying that he is interested in you because of this power you possess." Dumbledore responded.

Harry looked confused and asked, "If all it takes is a mother's love, then aren't there a lot of wizards with this power?"

"No, Harry. We wizards are a spiteful bunch. You are the only wizard in existence whose mother loves him! That's why you are the only one to have ever survived the killing curse!"

Harry let this sink in for a while. "Okay, but why does that make my butt such an attractive target?"

Dumbledore went on, "There is an ancient technique, forgotten by almost all. In this technique, the user enchants their hands with a powerful spell known as the Gluteus Vampirus spell. After that point, whenever the wizard touches the butt of another, he or she gains a copy of whatever makes the butt-owner unique. As of right now, we know that he has butt-touched Luna, Professor Quirrell, Hermione, Professor Flitwick, and Draco." explained Dumbledore.

"So the Butt-Toucher has a copy of ALL of their powers?" asked Harry, jaw on the floor. His jaw wasn't broken or anything, he had just decided to lie down for a minute.

"It is unlikely that he has ALL of their powers, probably just what makes them unique. I suspect that Luna may have been a practice touch, as the ability to see silly things that no one else can is not likely essential to his plan. As we saw at the Quidditch match, Professor Quirrell wasn't the one enchanting the bludger like in the movie, so that's likely what Quirrell gave the Butt-Toucher. I expect Hermione passed on her intelligence and Flitwick gave him a copy of his skill with charms and spell casting. As for Draco, I haven't noticed any students with money and spite spewing out of their ears, so I'd guess he contributed something else."

"So I'm against someone very smart, who can cast powerful magic spells, even on bludgers, can see crazy things, and might have a ton of money? This is going to be rough." said Harry glumly. "Although… Hold on. Wouldn't I be immune to butt touching since it's a spell?"

"No, Harry. The spell in question is cast on the user's hands. The hands then gain the ability to copy the victim's unique attributes. As I demonstrated earlier, you are not hand-proof." Dumbledore slapped him again.

"Ow."

"As the number one target, you'd better wear this." Dumbledore warned, holding out the prototype butt guard. Harry sighed.

As Harry left the headmaster's office, the feeling of dread and the embarrassment of having to be the only one wearing a butt guard was quickly washed away when he remembered that he was spell proof.

"Time to practice some wizard swears!" yelled Harry running out of the castle.


	13. Harry's Rampage

A cloaked figure peered out the window of the owl day care center, high above the castle entrance. He watched as Harry ran out the castle gates. The Butt-Toucher mounted his broom and flew from the window, out into the evening air.

"While Harry Potter is wearing that butt guard, it'll be impossible to gain his power." thought the Butt-Toucher to himself. "I didn't want to have to do this, but now it's the only way."

He rose, high above the castle, up to the perimeter in the sky where the dementors flew.

* * *

Harry's legs burned. He wasn't much of an athlete, but this was absolutely going to be worth it, so he didn't stop. He ran all the way to Hogsmeade, past the candy shop, past the prank shop, all the way to Hogsmeade's red light district. Harry kicked open the door, and huffle-ing and puffle-ing, he found the biggest, grizzliest wizard in the place.

"Your mother smells like Hagrid!"

Hagrid turned to him, and replied, "Harry, that's very hurtful, using me as part of an insult. Be glad your step-brother granted my Christmas wish to make me a giant, or I'd come teach you some manners!"

"Sorry Hagrid. Didn't recognize you. Bye!" Harry ran to the next bar and kicked in its door.

Harry picked up a mug from the table by the door and hurled it at a wizard sitting at the bar.

"You there! What happened to your face? Were you trying to smooch with the Whomping Willow?"

The wizard spun around angrily, leveled his wand at Harry, and yelled, "Levi-porpoise!"

The spell bounced off of Harry and shot straight back at the caster, who was struck in the face by a dolphin that burst up from the floor. Harry yelled "You guys are a bunch of Haunt-Frequenters!" and ran out of the bar laughing.

He saw some ruffians down an alleyway.

"What are you doing in that alleyway, you lap-handed tortfeasors?" Harry yelled.

Enraged, the group send numerous spells his way. One yelled "Rectumsempra!" a variation on one of Professor Snape's spells. I'd rather not say what that did when it bounced back at them.

Harry laughed delightedly, and scampered off to find more people to bully.

* * *

High above Hogwarts, the cloaked figure approached a cloaked monster. The dementor's power would be his if he could just get a little closer. Hand outstretched, he inched closer. The monster spun to face him, aware of his presence.

The Butt-Toucher pulled back in surprise. He could feel the heat and joy being drained from his body. He was becoming so shaky that he thought he might fall from his broom, but he managed to point his wand and croak out, "Expecto Patron!"

Tequila shot from the end of his wand, and into the dementor's face. The dementor began to sway, and then fell down to the ground, drunk.

The Butt-Toucher landed next to the dementor, placed his hand on its butt, and squeezed. An unearthly shriek echoed through Hogwarts' grounds. Lightning cracked and thunder boomed ominously.

The Butt-Toucher laughed, and walked back into the castle. He was headed for the 3rd floor.

* * *

"Why are you so angry? Did you wake up next to Dolores Umbridge again?" yelled Harry at a large man he had been throwing rocks at. The man roared and started to charge. Harry scrambled backward.

"Harry!" Hermione's face appeared in front of Harry in a huge puff of smoke.

"I'm kind of busy!" Harry yelled back. The man lunged through the smoke and punched Harry in the chest.

Harry flew into some garbage cans, and Hermione's smoke puff followed. She said, "You need to get back to the castle. Now! The Butt-Toucher is on his way into the 3rd floor closet of mystery that Dumbledore warned us about at the beginning of the year! If he can get in, so can we!"

"Sweet. Gonna get us some treasure." groaned Harry, as the large man raised a trash can above his head and prepared to throw it. Harry aimed his wand and mumbled, "Slumbonium hambonium."

The man fell asleep and started hamboning, his hands flying around quicker than Harry's eyes could follow. Harry threw a rock through a store window, stole a broom, and flew back to the castle, rubbing his chest. Dumbledore was right. He wasn't hand-proof.

When he got back to the castle, a dementor flew up to him and started feeding on his happy thoughts. Harry flew closer and snapped the dementor's neck. He kept going toward the castle.


	14. The UltraDungeon (Part 1)

Harry landed, and hit the ground running. He hated the ground for what it had done, but he didn't have time to stop and give it the beating it deserved. He would have to multitask.

He ran up to the 3rd floor and down the maze of hallways until he found Ron and Hermione.

"Where's Neville?" asked Harry.

"He said he didn't want to break any of Dumbledore's rules, so he's getting a foot massage instead." replied Hermione.

"The perfect alibi…" thought Harry, so loudly that Hermione and Ron could hear him.

The door to the forbidden closet of mystery was ajar. They walked in and could hear the gentle tones of beautiful harp music. As their eyes adjusted to the darkness, they could see a large extra-dark shape taking up most of the room.

As the shape became more clear, Ron suddenly realized what it was.

"Slow jams and wizard hams! It's a giant dog!" Ron yelled. "And it's got three (3) heads!"

The dog woke at the sound of Ron's stridency (AN: look it up), and began looking around.

"The harp music stopped! Ron! Use the harp on the dog!" urged Harry.

Ron lifted the harp over his head and threw it at the dog. It collided with the giant pooch's nose, and broke into exactly one million pieces.

The dog turned its frown upside-angry and started growling at them.

"Smoke-screen fartsicus!" shrieked Hermione, aiming at the dog. Just as Draco had, the dog started billowing smoke from its backside. The three heroes put on their infrared goggles and navigated safely to the trap door, all the while dodging the blinded dog's random attacks.

They jumped in and fell down hundreds, perhaps hundred-and-tens of feet, and landed with a thump in some thick vines.

"Oh no!" said Harry. "Devil's snare! Just like in the movie!" He was right. As they struggled, the vines gripped them tighter.

"I've got this!" said Ron. "We're in a story, right?"

"Right." answered Hermione.

"And it's fiction, right?"

"Right."

"So none of this is real?"

"Right."

"So these vines aren't real?"

"Right. These vines aren't real."

They fell through the fake vines into the cavern below. Ahead of them was a door. Harry kicked it open. In the air were hundreds of keys flying around with little wings. The walls of the chamber were covered in portraits of the past American President, Calvin Coolidge. The floor was shag carpet, and there was a 5 foot deep pool of water on one side. There was only one other door out of the room, and it was locked.

"Everyone into the water!" encouraged Harry. "I have a plan!"

They jumped into the water and swam in place.

Harry announced his plan. "These keys can't fly if they don't have air! Everyone underwater!"

The three went underwater, and Harry stuck his wand above the surface and through a mess of bubbles, he mumbled out a spell. All of the air in the room was pulled into his wand, like the municipality's best vacuum cleaner. The keys struggled frantically, then dropped to the ground. After a few moments, they stopped twitching.

Harry returned the air to the chamber, and they climbed out of the pool.

"Good. They're dead." said Harry. "But they're all identical! How do we know which one opens the door? I don't want to try every key!"

"Wait. I have an idea." said Hermione walking over to the door. "Alohomora." The lock clicked open. She opened it, and they walked into the next chamber.

It was a giant chessboard. On the giant chessboard were giant chess pieces. Harry had never had the patience for chess. Neither had Hermione.

A knight lay on the floor, screaming about its butt. The Butt-Toucher had definitely been this way before them.

"Maybe they think we can butt-touch too." whispered Harry.

The three of them ran around the board, palms outstretched toward the pieces. All of the chess pieces quickly moved far away from them from fear of being butt-touched. All the pieces, that is, except the kings. They were fearless in their mission to lead their teams to victory. Also…

"They have no butts!" noticed Hermione. It was true. The cylindrically shaped kings were immune to their threats.

The giant stone kings started moving around, trying to crush the children between their giant stone bodies. The three kids ran and ran from the kings, but were starting to get tired. The kings, however, would never slow down.

Ron tripped over the knight that lay on the floor. Pow! He slammed down onto the floor.

"Ow! My ankle! I think it's broken!" Ron couldn't even scoot away from where he sat without his head spinning in pain.

The kings saw their chance, and took it.

"Oh nooooooooooo!" yelled Ron as the kings sped toward him. It was only seconds until Crush-Ron O'Clock.

* * *

_Will our three brave heroes get out of this alive? Will they stop the Butt-Toucher from getting his hands on all the cool stuff in this forbidden closet of mystery? Will anyone else get butt-touched?_

_Find out all this and more in the rest of the story! Same Wizard-Time! Same Wizard-Channel!_


	15. The UltraDungeon (Part 2)

**Last time on Harry Potter and the Case of the Belligerent Butt-Toucher:**

_"I'll get you, you giant dog!" yelled Ron as he hurled the harp at the dog._

_"It's devil's snare, but it's not real, so we'll be okay!" said Harry as he fell deep beneath the earth._

_"There's like a million keys flying above our heads! Let's kill them!" shouted Harry._

_"Yes!" hooted Ron. "Chess is my jam! And Giant Chess is my giant jam! Oh no! I broke my ankle, and there are giant stone chess kings on their way to crush me!"_

* * *

The giant stone kings sped toward Ron, sensing an easy kill.

Harry and Hermione grunted loudly.

BANG! SLAM!

The kings toppled to the ground. Hermione and Harry had hurled themselves at the kings, knocking them over. Since both kings now lay in the surrender position, the game was over and the door slid open.

Ron's leg was broken, but Hermione knew a spell that could fix it.

"Bye Ron!" she called, as she and Harry went into the next room.

Ron just stared at his broken leg and moped.

The next room was kind of dark, and lit by torches. In the middle of the floor was a huge unconscious troll.

"What a boring room." said Harry. "No wonder it got cut from the movie."

"It was probably better in the book. Do you know how to read books, Harry?" asked Hermione.

"They were really long, and there were no pictures." Harry answered.

They climbed over the troll and made their way to the next room.

There was a table with seven bottles on it, but behind the table, they saw a cloaked figure (the Butt-Toucher) walk through a wall of black flame.

"Get him!" screamed Hermione. They chased after him, and slammed into the wall of fire. It was crazy hot too, and it hurt a whole bunch.

"Stupid fire!" yelled Harry. They turned around to see more fire spring up, blocking the door they had come through.

They examined the bottles. They were unlabeled, but all looked very different from each other. Harry grabbed one and began drinking.

Hermione read the instruction card placed prominently in the center of the table. "Harry, it looks like 3 of these are poisoned, 2 are wine, 1 teleports you back to the room with the dog in it, and one causes terrible indigestion. Only one lets you walk through the fire. There are some clues to let us know which one is safe to drink."

Harry finished the last drop in the bottle and let out a burp.

"Well, I'm not dead, so here I go." He walked toward the fire wall. WHAM.

"Must have been wine. I'll try another."

"Harry! Wait! Half of those are poison!"

Harry had already begun drinking the next bottle. Again he finished and slammed into the fire wall.

"They lef two bottls of wine juss laying aroun in a school?" asked Harry, speech beginning to slur. "I gadda come down here more offin."

"Harry, I really think you should wait until we figure this out. 3 of these will kill you, 1 will give you horrible indigestion, and 1 will send you back to the room with the dog! And you just drank two bottles of wine! You can't fight a giant dog in that state!"

"Fine, MOM!" said Harry as he flopped on the ground and fell asleep.

Hermione sorted out which bottle was safe, woke Harry, and gave it to him. She pointed her wand at him.

"Sobrietus totalus." She waited a while, then added, "Hangoverius Brutalis."

Harry's head cleared and began aching tremendously.

He bellyached for a while, then shook it off like a big tough guy and walked over to the wall of fire. He was able to pass through.

He took a few steps, then turned back to Hermione. "Why am I going in? I'm the one he wants, and you've already been butt-touched."

Hermione held her hand up to her ear like a phone and said, "Sorry Harr… can't hear… saying… got to go on… out me!"

Harry sighed and walked quietly into the next room. There he saw a large mirror. On the floor next to the mirror was a cloak. Looking into the mirror from next to the cloak was Vincent Crabbe.


	16. The Showdown

"You?" Harry asked, incredulously. "How are you the bad guy? You're just a dumb grunt!"

"Not anymore, I'm not. I'm sure Dumbledore has explained it all to you by now." Crabbe calmly replied. "When I butt-touch someone, I gain a copy of the trait that makes that person significant."

"And since I can't get to you, Harry, because of that butt-guard, I have to butt-touch the Philosopher's Stone to get the invincibility that I crave to achieve my goal."

"Oh yeah, goals! Why are you doing all this?" asked Harry, wiping sweat from his brow. The room was swelteringly hot.

"Do you know what it's like, living your whole life in the shadow of someone else?" asked Crabbe. "Always forced to do what they want and act how they think you should? Well, I've had it with living under Draco's thumb! Thanks to my butt-touching, I'm smarter than him, better at spells than him, and just as good at flying as him. Gaining invincibility is just a final safeguard against him if he tries anything sneaky."

"That's what this is all about?" asked Harry. "Not wanting to follow Draco's orders? You're bigger than him! Just punch him and be done with it!"

"And risk his father stepping into the picture? He's the most politically powerful man in all of Magical Britain! Even more powerful than our laughable prime minister!" Crabbe's face was slowly contorting with anger. "Once I gain the power of invulnerability, I'll be powerful enough to take on even Luscious Malfoy!"

"But you're just a kid! Surely Luscious wouldn't do anything to you to risk that much negative publicity!" said Harry.

"They're both Malfoys! Plenty of people already hate them. Anyway, it doesn't matter. I've come this far, I'm not going to stop now. That said, I just can't figure out how to get the Philosopher's Stone out of this mirror! And since you've taken so much effort to bring yourself to me away from the protection of others, I think I'll try again on you!" He lunged at Harry.

Harry was able to dodge by jumping away, but he skidded across the ground and his butt-guard came loose. He tried to adjust it, but Crabbe lunged at him again. Harry dodged, but the butt-guard was hampering his movement, and Crabbe was able to grab his ankle. Harry kicked at Crabbe's face, and he let go.

"How did you know that I'm spell proof?" demanded Harry, starting to get out of breath.

"You're not the only one who's seen the Harry Potter movies." growled Crabbe. "And now you're defenseless."

Harry looked down. The butt-guard was around his ankles. He kicked it off and backed away from Crabbe.

Both boys got into their fighting stances. Harry decided that this was his time to attack. He pulled out his wand and pointed it at Crabbe.

Crabbe was too fast for him. Before Harry could even start sounding out his spell, Crabbe had grabbed his wrist and placed a hand on his head.

"You should have been in Ravenclaw, Harry!" Crabbe said, pushing on his head to twist his neck.

"You butt-touched the Sorting Hat too?" said Harry. "You monster!" Harry spun around, escaping Crabbe's grip and elbowing him in the side of the head.

The boys stood apart from each other, resembling two cowboys preparing to draw their guns in a duel.

"Harry, did you know that in Chinese, the term that means 'opportunity' also means 'buttfor'?"

Harry stared at him, confused. "What's a buttfor?"

A cruel grin spread across Crabbe's face as he said, "For pooping."

Harry noticed that he was cold. Very cold! It was much too cold for this room that had only moments ago seemed overwhelmingly hot. Harry was getting really sad about it too, when he noticed that Crabbe was slowly floating toward him.

"Crabbe has dementor powers?" Harry thought to himself, falling to the ground feeling helpless. "I can't beat a dementor! But if I just give up now, then my butt is as good as touched!"

Harry, feeling like all the life had been sucked out of him, dragged himself to his feet. He mustered all of his strength, pointed his wand and as hard as he could, he yelled, "Protecto My Recto!"

A huge blast of white light shot from the end of Harry's wand and collided with Crabbe's chest. Crabbe flew back against a wall, struck his head on the bricks, and was knocked unconscious.

Harry looked at him as he caught his breath. He walked over to the mirror to see what all the excitement was about. He saw himself in the reflection, standing there and grinning like an idiot. His reflection reached into its pocket and took out the Philosopher's Stone.

He looked in his own pocket, and found there was one in there too. He took it out and bit it. It didn't taste very good, so he put it back in his pocket.

His reflection then pulled a large picture of a man in a jail cell out of its robes. Harry removed his own, and got an idea.

He walked over to Crabbe, and set the picture down next to him.

"Turn around!" he told the man in the picture.

Harry took Crabbe's hand, and placed it on the butt of the man in the jail cell. Crabbe was sucked into the picture and trapped behind bars.

"Good work, Harry!" Hermione said as she stepped into the room.

"How'd you get in here?" Harry asked. "I drank every last drop of the potion that lets you walk through the fire!"

"It had a refilling charm on it, obviously. How do you think there was any left for you after Crabbe drank it?" Hermione had a good point. "Anyway, now that we've stopped the Butt-Toucher, let's go back and see Dumbledore about it, before everyone has to wear butt-guards."

They split the bottle of potion that took them back to the dog room. Fluffy, the giant dog, had fallen asleep again due to boredom.

"It's a shame." said Harry. "A dog that big needs room to run and play. Maybe Hagrid isn't such a good gamekeeper."


	17. Things Wrap Up Nicely

"Students! Your attention please!" bellowed Dumbledore. The students were all gathered in the Great Hall for an important series of announcements. "I have some special announcements to make! First of all, the Butt-Toucher has been stopped!"

The students cheered, and Professor Snape removed the sheet that had been hiding the picture of Crabbe in jail. The students gasped.

"Mr. Crabbe here has been sneaking around the castle and the Hogwarts Express, touching peoples butts to copy their powers!" said Snape.

"A crime this serious demands an equally serious punishment." Dumbledore said with a lot of grandeur. "Do you have anything to say for yourself, Mr. Crabbe?"

Crabbe looked at the floor of his painted cell, then back up at Dumbledore. "Ummm… I was under the… uhh… Imperius Curse?"

"Oh, well then you can't be held responsible for your actions. Come on out of the picture and be careful with those new powers you've gained!" Dumbledore hocus-pocus'ed him out of the painting.

Dumbledore turned to the students while Crabbe walked to his seat. "Now to award some house points! Hermione Granger, for your heroism and taking care of Harry Potter while he was drunk, I award Gryffindor House, 50 points."

The Gryffindor students clapped and cheered.

"Harry Potter, for stopping the Butt-Toucher and making him easy to transport, I award Gryffindor another 50 house points."

The Gryffindor students hooted and danced about.

"And give me the Philosopher's Stone. I know you still have it."

Harry handed him the stone sheepishly.

"To the other three houses," Dumbledore continued. "For not doing anything noteworthy this year, I'm taking 50 points away from each of your houses. Let this be a lesson to you."

75% of the students sighed unhappily.

"To Neville Longbottom, for getting a world class foot massage, I award you 25 house points. That puts Gryffindor in the lead by 5 points. Gryffindor wins the House Cup!"

The Gryffindors danced on the tables in celebration. Harry got out his bagpipes and started to play songs from the movie 'Space Jam'. Everyone was having a great time. Even the other three houses, who were sad about losing the House Cup were super pumped about not having to worry about the Butt-Toucher anymore.

Suddenly...

"I'm sick of you, old man!" yelled Hagrid. "I've had it up to here with you and I'm not going to take it anymore!" He gestured with his hand to a point that was pretty high up on his enormous body.

Hagrid stomped up to the front of the room, threw the podium out of the way, and pointed menacingly at Dumbledore.

"Now that I'm finally big enough to fight you, thanks to my Christmas wish coming true when I brought Harry to Hogwarts, I'm going to put you in a world of wizard-hurt!"

"Bring it on!" shouted Dumbledore, magically clearing a round space in which to fight.

Hagrid charged at Dumbledore, his footsteps shaking the cups on the tables. Dumbledore stood his ground, joined his hands, and whispered, "Gluteus Vampirus!"

He sidestepped Hagrid's charge, and in the same movement, spun around and placed his hands on Hagrid's butt. Dumbledore grew and grew until he was the same height as Hagrid.

"Crabbe isn't the only one who knows the Butt Touching spell!" Dumbledore shouted.

"GIANT FIGHT!" yelled Harry.

Hagrid turned around, enraged that he had been butt-touched. He swung, and his colossal right fist collided with Dumbledore's chest, sending the giant headmaster flying backward. Dumbledore kept upright and landed, sliding back and creating trenches in the floor where his feet slid. He leapt into the air and slammed both of his feet onto Hagrid's shoulders, driving him into the ground like a railroad spike.

Hagrid closed his eyes and roared. The floor exploded around him and he jumped back onto flat ground. The two grappled briefly, and Hagrid grabbed Dumbledore by the ankles. He swung him around and slammed the elderly wizard onto the ground like a hammer, sending a shockwave toward the students. Food flew off of the tables.

The students backed up out of the Great Hall, Dumbledore broke free, and his eyes began to glow red with a fiery rage.

"You almost hit the students!"

Dumbledore took three running steps forward and sent Hagrid into the ceiling with the most powerful jumping uppercut the world had ever seen. The castle rumbled, and the ceiling of the Great Hall fell down like enormous stone rain.

"My new ceiling!" cried Mr. Filch. He had just had it installed the night before.

High up in the air, Hagrid caught onto Dumbledore and held on tight.

"If I go down, I'm taking you with me!"

They were both headed straight back down into the rubble of the Great Hall's ceiling, falling faster every second. The air grew hot and burned around them. This was going to be the ultimate wrestling slam!

Dumbledore turned into a slippery duck, slid out of Hagrid's grip, and flew out of his reach. Hagrid slammed into the ground like a meteor into a birthday cake. They would find him eventually, but today, they would let him stay there.

"Students!" Dumbledore, now in human form again, called upon entering the chamber outside of the Great Hall. "It is time to go home. Gather your things and board the train. The author is tired of writing about us."

An hour later, Harry and Hermione were seated on the train. Neville opened the door to their compartment and had a seat as well.

"What a year!" he said. "My feet feel great."

"Great Merlin's teeth!" squeaked Hermione. "Ron's still in the chess chamber with a broken leg!"

The End


End file.
